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| 08:19am 07/09/2007 |
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I'm falling for you. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| slouching toward the holy city |
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| 12:36pm 22/08/2007 |
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I cleared the packing peanuts from the surface of my mind and rubbed the sleep from my eyes to discover that the summer was over and another school year, my last, had begun. Initially I felt remorseful, as I had no tangible sign of any progress I had made during what I had hoped would be a restful yet productive sabbitical. Upon further examination I realized how much I had exposed my mind to in the past few months, chemically and conceptually. It seems as if I've finally established the foundation for my life that I've been seeking for years. I've only just begun to understand my role as a karmic agent, but now, at least, I have that conceptual framework to build upon. Where the mind goes the body will follow.
I'm ready for another spin on the ever-widening gyre. |
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| Authentic Human Experience |
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| 01:12pm 05/08/2007 |
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How is it engendered?
How can it be propagated?
How can such encounters be reproduced?
How can we unleash this potential? |
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Post |
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| 10:19am 29/06/2007 |
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mood:  content
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This morning me and Poe scored some free breakfast courtesy of Orientation.
After considering how anxious I've been feeling lately, and realizing I really have no reason to be, I came to the conclusion that I can will myself into being relaxed and jovial and to generally enjoy life. It seems to be working.
I've had several compliments on my new haircut from yuppie guys around town and I do not know whether they are being facetious or not. |
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Post |
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| of late |
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| 05:04pm 23/06/2007 |
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mood:  ennui
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- meticulously taking apart Ecclesiastes and reconstructing it
- midnight bike rides
- karmic reprogramming
- aneristic, deslackening job |
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Post |
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| 05:46pm 14/06/2007 |
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mood:  tired
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Slowly, ever so slowly, life is calming down. My new apartment house is great. All four(!) of my roommates are great guys. My neighbours are a lively black church, an artist named Art and a yuppified real estate company. I already feel more at home there than I have anywhere in the past few months. I have a good feeling about the future. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 07:44am 04/05/2007 |
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My roommate is psychotic. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Apartment? |
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| 09:24pm 27/04/2007 |
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Me and Ryan are looking to get out of our current living situation at the end of July. Any takers? |
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| 09:47pm 24/04/2007 |
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I'm so glad this semester is almost over. It completely steamrollered me. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| three weeks left |
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| 09:45am 08/04/2007 |
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To get my RELS 450 project done I pushed my body to the absolute limit. Consequently I'm sick. I still have no idea what I have because Student Health Services isn't opened on weekends. Whatever it is, I now wake up at weird times, constantly feel exhausted and am even more prone to paranoia and hopelessness than usual. How am I supposed to get my shit together when I can't even form coherent thoughts? |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Holy Chao |
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| 01:06am 31/03/2007 |
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Turns out God is a woman with a bizarre sense of humor.
Preferable over a senile old man in the clouds, at least. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| das ewige Heimweh... |
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| 03:37pm 08/03/2007 |
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Every time I return to Columbia I am beset by two overwhelming but contradictory sentiments:
1) Everything about this place seems so unchanging. I walk around the house or travel through the city and I can remember certain poignant events that took place in various locations. The events exist now only in my mind, yet the places remain, essentially unchanged. The piles of clutter are all still present and in their usual places. Christmas presents are still lying around the living room in the exact locations that the were placed directly after having been unwrapped two months ago. The only change to my room is the usual pile on my bed of irrelevant mail that my Dad nevertheless dutifully deposits and the unabated accumulation of books my Mom thinks I might find interesting. On my walls the decorations remain the same, at once both mocking and comforting reminders of who I used to be. I look to my family and the friends who remain here and nothing seems changed. I feel so much older, but they all seem to have grown little.
2) Despite all this, my brothers turned 18 yesterday. They will soon be going to college, and they seem as determined to leave this house behind as I was my senior year. My family is changing significantly, and though we all feel it, none of us is able to express it to one another. I worry for my brothers because all of the qualities I dislike about myself (laziness, solitude, etc) are more pronounced in their personalities. Yet I cannot live their lives for them. I feel like there are still many exchanges that need to occur between me and my parents, but I do not know that I can tolerate remaining in this city to allow them to happen. Time is passing.
I experienced something similar the last time I went back to Missouri. Most things remained unchanged, especially my childhood friends. One glaring change was that my home of 5 years had been bulldozed and that plot of land now served as a parking lot for condos. Also, the poor, black neighborhood had been replaced by Wal-Mart, Home Depot and a slew of other strip mall staples. My friend's mother, a descendant of some of the founders of the town, mourned what Kirkwood was becoming.
Jessica Posner once described Columbia, or more accurately our lives here, as being "stuck in the roach motel stickiness." To my knowledge she has never returned once after she left for New York. Others have described it as a black hole. Ryan Collins described the past as a spectral hand holding humanity back from the present. I find that all of these images accurately describe how I feel every time I return to Columbia.
But for some reason I keep coming back. I think it may be the intense dread I feel when I think about the future, or rather the multitude of possible futures. Because of this fear of future failures and successes I retreat to the past instead of actually being present. I realize now that people often ignore my presence because I have no presence.
I can remember even in elementary school, instead of interacting with everyone else I keep mostly to myself, imagining I was somewhere else. When I moved to South Carolina I built up a nostalgically mythical Missouri in my mind. It was only after returning that I had to admit to myself the pointlessness and naivete of my fantasy.
In high school I longed to be in college, and now that I'm in college I long for the day that I will be free from school entirely. But I realize now that this is no way to live. How can make myself live in the present when it is something I've been avoiding my whole life? How can I let go of the myths of the past and present and concentrate on the here and now? How can I redirect my fixation from the dead and the yet to be? To truly live one must embrace the present; I have been looking this present in the mouth! I have been alive for 21 year but how much of that time have I actually lived? No more "I wish I could..."'s. No more "I wish I had..."'s. From this moment on I will live a life of actuality, not a life of potentiality. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| 12:57am 07/03/2007 |
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I
have
a
crush
on
Sally
Shapiro |
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Post |
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| 12:10am 06/03/2007 |
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mood: relaxed
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In the past few years I've discovered dispite my anti-materialist upbringing that money can make you more happy, albeit indirectly and not inevitably so. This preturbs me.
Nevertheless... great break so far.
Note to self: retrospective cognition |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 03:13pm 03/03/2007 |
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mood:  distressed
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Is this that Last Straw I keep talking about? |
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jehovahsfitness's journal
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